The theme of every post this January seems to be ‘Here’s what podcasts Kristabel’s currently listening to’, whilst doing the usual London prancing (this Boden kidswear jumper is a great find FYI). If last week had to have a ‘theme’, then it would definitely have to be vulnerability. I listened to the ‘Honest Actors’ podcast, where Michaela Coel spoke about crying in the street after an audition. I went to #Angstfest, where five amazing panelists opened up about freelance anxiety, feeling like you’re not doing enough and the irony of being sad and successful. I also reread my old post about my career journey and remembered why I decided to write about it in the first place. To be honest, I was at breaking point after numerous questions about what I was doing and internalised feelings of failure.
Does anyone else have strange ways of protecting themselves when they think things are going to go wrong? Case in point, when I got my first job six weeks after graduation, I never announced it here as I had a short contract and didn’t want to say something like ‘Now I’m unemployed’ six months later. I’m also too scared to open an official business account, even though I’ve technically been freelance for 5 years and am cautious about setting up a direct debit for my rent. Basically I’m fearful, even though I have no reason to be. Remember, these thoughts also come from the same person who moved out of her parents house, without knowing what her income was going to be and travelled halfway across the world alone to spend six weeks in South East Asia.
Yes I’m a bit all over the place but it seems like a lot of us are in the same boat. Some of us are trying to find solutions, creating things like The Quarter Club, #Angstfest and the FWOC event I went to at the weekend. Some of us are still on a bit of a journey, bottling things up and letting it affect our actions. Either way, we need compassion. To tackle these feelings of fear, I’m going to take a few small steps I’ve been putting off, like sorting out my accounts (because there’s nothing like last minute tax return prep to remind you how disorganised you are). What’s the worst that can happen? If anything, it would make for an interesting podcast episode…
Photos by Ghenet